


Lance's Letters.

by Shippingment



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Bilingual Lance (Voltron), Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Dark Shiro (Voltron), Depressed Lance (Voltron), Depression, Gay Keith (Voltron), Homesick Lance (Voltron), Homesickness, Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) Has Anxiety, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Multi, POV Keith (Voltron), Relationship(s), Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-10 18:20:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12304959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shippingment/pseuds/Shippingment
Summary: Lance writes about life. He writes about his feelings and- no, it's not a diary, it's a journal. Writing allows Lance to calm down in any situation he is in. It was only a mind cleanser- he didn't mean for anyone to read it.But sometimes prized possessions get into the wrong hands.(or the fic where Keith finds Lance's diary).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> THIS STORY CAN BE VERY TRIGGERING!!
> 
> IT FEATURES SUICIDE OF A MAIN CHARACTER AND DEPRESSING THOUGHTS!!  
> PROCEED WITH CAUTION, PLEASE!!
> 
> If you ever need someone to talk to, my messages are always open on my medias,  
> Instagram- @ScienceWizPidge  
> Twitter- @Shippingment  
> Tumblr- @Shippingment

Winter came by in a rush, it was an unexpected turn from love to disgust. I mainly spend all day inside my house, reading, watching TV; etc. When you remember the fresh burning auburn leaves of fall that covered the ground like a blanket but look outside to see they have been replaced by cold, disgusting, frozen, finger nipping (and did I mention disgusting?) snow, you know you've missed a lot. 

To change this unsocial life I have been succeeding at, I decided to go out for coffee with Shiro. How would I describe Shiro? Someone who won't go anywhere without their significant other. Believe me, I love Shiro and Allura as much as their millions of Instagram followers- but it's got to the point where Allura has started calling Shiro 'daddy'. Shiros like a brother to me and I for sure know he would be a terrible 'daddy'. However, Allura is a sweet girl- a tough cookie, but she's sweet. Did I mention they're a bit famous? They're one of those Instagram couples who get paid to look adorable together. However, this has quite the pressure of their relationship. They have wanted to split several times, but their career paths have forbid them to do so. This has caused a mature change in Shiro and he looks a bit sad every once in awhile but its understandable.

Of course, once I got to the coffee shop there was no Shiro or Allura in sight. Did I also mention he is a late fuck?

Being polite, I decided to wait for them to arrive, fighting the urge to get up and leave. I decide against getting my drink before they came so I wouldn't be rude, although I know Shiro's order by heart. It's a sweet cream cold brew. I had no clue what Allura would order- she got whatever was trending on her Instagram page that week. 

As I glared intensely at my phone so the baristas didn't ask me if I needed any help (which I didn't), something different caught my eye. A book. A brown, old, leather covered book was resting two tables down from mine. It was obviously used; by the folded pages along with the black ink that stained the leather. On the cover, there were doodles and small black writing but I was unable to make out what they said from my position.

Barley anyone else was in the coffee shop and those who were had already been settled down with mugs in their hands. Who could have left their book here? Slowly, my hand reached towards to book but was interrupted by a door swinging open.

In walked a tall and muscular man with a pretty girl to his side. I rose from my seat, going up to greet them.

"Keet!" Shiro yelled, catching the eyes of mostly everyone in the restaurant.

"Sherrio! Pink haired troll!" We joked. I walked towards the lovers, glaring carefully at the book as I walked by. I only had the chance to make out a little solar system drawn in the left corner. I eternally groaned. I wanted so badly to just reach out and grab it but I knew it would look suspicious. Besides, someone would come back for it eventually, right?

Allura greeted me with a loving hug while Shiro stayed with a manly handshake. I showed them to the table I had been sitting at and they followed, taking their seats. 

Moments later the waitress showed up, apron on and notepad in hand, ready to take our order. 

"I'll have a sweet cream cold brew." He smiled sweetly at the woman but Allura disagreed. 

"Ro, it's Winter. Don't you want to get a tea or something?" She patted his back, causing Shiro to shiver into her touch. 

"I'm alright." he grinned, "Wouldn't want to break tradition." he squeezed my slender arm playfully, earning a smile from me.

Allura sighed, "Alright then, if you say so." She turned in the direction of the waitress who was trying her hardest to wait patiently, "I'll have a pumpkin spice latte." Shiro's eyes rolled to the back of his head in judgement. "Saw that, Ro." Allura added.

"And I'll have a Berry Sangria Herbal Tea." I finished off the order, checking behind the waitress to the journal, which was still untouched on the table. The waitress bid her adieu to fetch our drinks.

"You're both going to freeze your asses off. How could you order iced drinks in the winter?" Allura glared at the both of us. 

"What? Are we going to post them on Instagram and get more judgement for that?" Shiro folded his arms, obviously uncomfortable. 

Every once in awhile I will scroll through their comment section. Sure, some of them are nice- but a lot of them are cruel. The type of cruel you cannot erase from your memory once you've read it. I feel sorry for them. They just want to make a living.

Allura interrupted my thoughts, "Not today. Not until we our pay for our last sponsorship from this cafe." She's annoyed at this point, pulling our her phone and check her email.

"Anyways," Shiro rested his arm on the back of my chair, pulling the sleeves of his sweater to fully cover his arms, "How have you been doing, Keith?"

"I've been better." It was the truth. I dropped out of my first year of college last week. I want time to myself to decide what I want to be rather than jumping straight into being a lawyer just because it would give good pay; as Shiro said, "The world has too many lawyers."

"I know you've been better," Shiro rubs my back for brotherly support, "but you'll pull through. I'll be watching over you, Keith. I've got your back, remember that okay?"

Before I can respond, the waitress arrives back with our drinks made perfectly. We bid her a quick thanks before our lips touch our cups.

We talked for awhile about our future plans and our current situations before Shiro and Allura had to run off to an Instagram photo shoot. We split the bill, pulling our coats and hats back on.

"I'll see you soon, Keith, alright? Stay hardworking for me." Shiro smiled, rubbing a hand through my hair, "Don't let the unknown scare you."

"What's with all these motivational quotes?" I chuckled. 

Shiro smiled with sad eyes, "Nothing, I'm just worried for you, that's all. I love you, man."

"Love you too, Ro. It was nice seeing you- you too, Allura." Allura smiled in response, wrapping her hand around Shiro's arm tucked into his pocket.

"See ya, Keet." And with that, they were both headed towards the door. 

I picked up my backpack, pulling it onto my back. Letting out a heavy sigh, I began to walk towards the door. My eyes caught contact with the book once more and my steps slowed down. My curiosity took over. I grabbed the book from the empty table and ran for the door before anyone could stop me.


	2. Chapter 2

That was the last day I saw Shiro before his secret came out.

It was around 2 a.m when I got the call. I was woken up by my ringtone blasting on my bedside table. I glared at my surrounds in darkness of my bedroom. The only source of light was from my phone resting on the journal I had taken in from the cafe yesterday. I haven't had the chance to look at it yet. Not lifting my head from the pillow, I unplugged my phone and slid the accept button. I expected it to be a drunk phone call from Shiro, those always happened every once in awhile. However, once I put the phone to my ear, I knew something was terribly wrong; there was sobbing. Uncontrollable sobbing and shouting coming from the small speaker. I recognized it quickly.

"Allura? Allura, what's happening?" I figured her and Shiro had been in an argument- calls like this have happened before, but they were usually from Shiro rather than Allura. The last time they got in an argument Shiro called me at midnight and I took him into my small dorm for 5 days before they finally decided to talk it out and forgave each other through sex. 

She whimpered and I swear I could hear her heart throbbing it's way to her throat. She choked on her heart and spoke up, "Shi-Shi-" She sobbed into the phone, unable to continue her sentence. This wasn't Allura. Allura never breaks down like this- she's a tough cookie.

I sat up urgently from my bed after hearing Shiro's name, "Where's Shiro, Allura?" I heard some more inaudible noises come from the girl, "Speak to me, please." I begged, being concerned for my best friend. Allura and I aren't very close, we are only mutual friends due to our connections to Shiro. I would never be her go to helper if something went wrong unless it had to do with Shiro. 

"I came home and-" Allura got choked up again, but I needed her to tell me what was going on straight away.

"Allura, I need you to talk to me. Tell me what is going on."

"He hung himself."

My heart dropped to my stomach. What did she just say? 

"-What did you just say?" I whispered. "Shiro is gone!" She wailed out, fighting for any bit of breath. Shiro isn't dead. "You're making this up."

Allura gasped for breath- I could practically hear the breaking of her heart and her world shutting down.

I spoke up again, "Allura, where is Shiro?" This time, strict and loud.

"Please, Keith-" She whimpered out, "Come to the hospital please." Before I could say anything else, Allura hung up. I stared blankly at the phone until the screen faded from lack of activity. I feel emotionless. My lip felt numb from biting down so hard. My face stung from the streams of tears. Suddenly, anger rushed over me. I threw my phone across the room in fear. This can't be real. In a minute I will wake up with the usual "Good morning, want to grab a bite?" text from Shiro. I cradled myself, tucking my legs to my chest and holding my head to my knees. I covered my ears and closed my eyes. 

This cannot be real. Shiro was full of life, his couldn't have been taken away so quickly, right? I pulled myself up, using my bedside table as lift. I stood quietly for a few seconds before grabbing onto the closest object to me- the book. I held it tightly, staring at the leather cover. This. This was my distraction. Yesterday, I was so focusing on this fucking book that I didn't notice Shiro. I didn't see him suffering. Without another thought, I threw it in rage, collapsing to the ground to sob once more. 

My life was a blur. My mind felt black and white and fuzzy. I was like a broken channel on T.V. No thought other than Shiro was in my head. Shiro has always been there for me. We grew up together. How could he just abandon me here?

I arrived at the hospital in a quick 20 minutes. Of course, I ran all possible red lights to make the route quicker. Sheds of tears fell from my eyes, making it impossible to see clearly, I'm surprised I even made it here alive. Walking into the hospital, I expected to see Shiro standing upright in the hospital door, arms wide open to give me a hug. I expected for him to be upright in the hospital bed, eating some type of hospital pudding. I expected to see Allura hugging Shiro, laughing about some little joke one of them made. I didn't expect to see Shiro's lifeless body, paler than ever before. I didn't expect to see a screaming Allura in the waiting room of the hospital. I didn't expect to see my best friend dead. 

Shiro's death was reported as suicide.  
Shiro had tied his throat to the ceiling while Allura was out on a modeling interview. Police also discovered slits running all through his wrists from previous days that Allura and I were just too blind to see.

I should've realized. I should've saved him. This is my fault.


	3. Chapter 3

Winter was now coming to a close, the only snow left were wet puddles on the sidewalk. Spring was approaching and the happy, flowery weather was on its way- but I knew I wouldn't make it to see it's full awakening. My once colorful apartment is now only white walls and box galore. Ever since Shiro left, I don't have a reason to live in the city anymore. I quit my job at the bookstore a week after Shiro left because I was too depressed to leave my bedroom and in all honesty, I haven't been outside since. I don't have a need to go outside.  
I've been packing for three days now. I've decided to move back to Texas with my mom.  
I used to look out my window and see the world in all its glory- the couples holding hands, the tourists passing by, and the professional business workers going through their days like its their last. Now it's as if someone put up a brick wall- or a really big billboard. I don't want to look out my window anymore. I've seen it all. It's not the same. 

I only have my T.V stand in my bedroom left to pack, then I'm off for good.  
As I'm taking off each leg, one by one, I catch a glimpse of something under the table. I reach and pull it out.

'L.M's Letters To The World!'  
I wiped off the dust that had collected on it from under my T.V stand. All around the big title were doodles engraved in black sharpie. There were stars and moons and little earths everywhere. On the bottom left it looked like the writer(who I for now will guess is 'L.M's') attempted to draw rose but failed miserably. On the back, there was a doodle of a lion jumping over the moon which made up for the poorly drawn rose. The cover was made of a smooth leather, alongside sliver of leather attached to the spine of the book to act as a bookmark. This book certainly looks expensive. It was very thick, with some pages folded down which I guessed was by mistake. Wherever this book had come from, I knew it had certainly been a lot of places before here. Some doodles had been smudged from what I guessed to be water or rain. Suddenly, the memory of the book floated through my head. The coffee shop with Shiro that final day and how I had become so distracted by this simple book.  
I fluttered the pages; they were double sidedly covered in writing. With curiosity, I opened the first page, 

January 9th, 2017

Dear World,  
"6 words." How can it even be possible to describe your entire existence in 6 words? I have been stuck on this question for hours. The only 6 words I have come up with are 'Please help me create 6 words.'  
Therefore, I've decided to break this insanely impossible status quo. Here's my '6' word life story.  
"I am done with this fucking assignment, Mr. Fetcher, I am skipping class tomorrow."  
Sorry, World. That isn't the best introduction. Here's a better one, I'm L.M (that's all your getting until I can earn your trust, I hope you understand <3) and I'm writing you because I heard that you listen. The truth is, I'm very lonely and I need someone to talk to every once in awhile. So for now, I talk and you listen, deal? I'm guessing you said yes because you continued to read. Good! Great! I'm sorry, I'm new at this. What should I say without saying too much? Sigh.  
I've heard it gets better. I've heard that one day the world(that's you) is just going to give me a big wack in the face and just be like "hey! follow this path!!" and that I should listen to you but why should I listen to you?  
I guess what I'm trying to say is why should I trust you now if you've brought misery on me before? I don't know, World, you work luck on others but not me. Did I do something?  
You know what? This is stupid. I'm literally only talking to myself. Fuck this.  
-L.M

 

I close the book. This is some teen angst. Sighing, I toss the book into the nearest box. All these boxes are being sold off to the Salvation Army. I had bought them for my new life of surviving without my parents but it seems like I won't need them anymore. My old furniture is still in my bedroom at my parent's house so I simply don't need them anymore. 

I slide my phone from out of my back pocket and answer the incoming call, "Hey, mom." I smile, "Yep, just finished packing, I'll be there soon."

I take one last glance at the book. It's staring back at me from its open cardboard box. I groan, grabbing it and tossing it into my backpack for the plane ride- I needed a new book to read anyways.


	4. Chapter 4

January 10th, 2017

Dear World,  
Guess who's back...! Yes, it's me, L to the M to the- I'm sorry, okay? I'm desperate so I'm giving you one last chance. I just want someone to talk to. But let's get one thing straight, this is a journal, NOT A DIARY.  
I'm willing to open up to you in time but I want to start with the little things. Baby steps, ya know?  
Well you should know that I'm an English major. I'm not a very good writer for like newspapers and other shit, I'm more of a casual writer, ya know? I'm only an English major so that I can get a degree in something. I don't know what I want from my future. If I'm honest, I don't really see a future for myself. I see my life now and everything else is foggy from there. I'm jealous of those people who thought of their future self throughout childhood. I was more of the go-with-the-flow kinda guy. Now I'm the stressed-cuz-I'm-a-mess kind of guy and with lack of better words, it's shitty.  
Today there was a quote written on our school's English board and it said "if the hurt comes, so will the happiness" -be patient. So maybe you will have a change of heart and create a good future for me, World? I trust you, alright?

-L.M

 

I close the book. City traffic is the worst. Especially when you're stuck in a cab that smells like smoke and an abundance of Axe body spray. I didn't realize until now that I was tapping my foot vigorously just to calm my anxiety. I cannot miss this flight. My apartment has already been sold off and I'm forbidden from staying another night. An urge in my mind suggests that I could simply stay at Shiro's if I do miss my flight, but a rush of sadness and grief rushes through me as I realize why that's not an option. I'd stay with Allura, but we haven't spoken since Shiro left. It hurts me too much to see her. So, to conclude, if I miss this flight, I have no place to stay tonight. I groan, straightening my spine into the cab's uncomfortable seat, before pushing both headphones into my ears and closing my eyes. Na Na Na by MCR plays and I grin, remembering Shiro and I's emo days. We definitely wore too much eyeliner and burned off several chunks of our hair with our straighteners. I make a personal reminder to search through the old photo albums once I return to Texas. Shiro would love to see those. Or would've.  
I take a deep breath, to ease the memory. I start pulling on the leather cover of the book to ease myself. I need a distraction.

I open the book,

January 11th, 2017

Dear World,  
I like to read the last chapter of a book before the first. I pondered what this could say about me and I've come to the conclusion that I'm just scared of the unknown. You could argue that it ruins the whole point of reading the book, but you still get to know the entire journey the character took to get there.  
If I got the chance to know how my story ends, I would take it in a heartbeat. Death is inevitable and I'm absolutely petrified of it.  
So, World, quit stalling and kill me off quick because at least I won't be fearful of dying anymore.

-L.M

What the fuck, L.M? Couldn't you have picked another time to start talking about death? I wanted a distraction, not a look inside Shiro's mind. What an asshole.

I suddenly feel a tap on my shoulder, I quickly pull out of earphones and look over to the cab driver.  


"I'm afraid you've missed your flight- do you want me to continue driving to the airport or bring you home?" 

There was a flaw in this. I had no home. I mumble, just loud enough for him to hear, "Just bring me to the airport. I'll find another flight."


	5. Chapter 5

I walk through the airport in a rush, carrying a bit of hope that they would still let me onto my flight.  
Yet, once I made it to the gateways, I was denied access.  
"Shit." I murmured under my breath, heading over to the waiting area. I slipped out my phone and rang my mom.  


No answer.

Can today get any worse?  


I collapse onto a chair and rest my head in my hands. If I want to get to Texas by tonight, the only nearby flight is to Oklahoma at 12am, but hey, at least I would have a place to sleep. Although, with flying to Oklahoma, I would need to pay for some type of transportation to get to Lubbock, Texas. This would be way more than I expected to pay.

'Me to Mom: Please call me as soon as you get this, I missed my flight and I need your opinion on what to do.'

I switched my ringer on and pushed the phone into my pocket.  
If Shiro didn't leave, he'd be here with me in seconds. Heck, if Shiro was here, I wouldn't even consider moving away.  
I remember the first day I moved into the city. Shiro had gotten accepted through a scholarship into a high ivy league college. Shiro was very humble, though he didn't like to be called out on it. He was always top of our class without trying. I like to imagine that behind the scenes Shiro had secretly been stressing his ass off about grades. He wanted to make a new name for himself and delete his past so he put his best foot forward in school. He was also quite the charmer, so there was no surprise he had gotten the scholarship. He also met the lovely Allura off of a dating website and she just so happened to live in the same city. Life was happy for Shiro. I, however, was lost. I had always lived in Shiro's shadow. Since childhood, I've always looked up to him. A week before he was supposed to leave, I stayed in my room, completely avoiding any contact with him. That week I didn't eat anything or talk to anyone. I stayed in my room playing video games and watching T.V, just like how my life is now. Shiro saw through my anger, knocked down my locked door, and offered to bring me with him. We looked for a community college close to his and our future was set. We both got jobs and I lived with him until I was able to afford my own college dorm. We were happy.  
I guess that's why I'm numb about Shiro's death. He's always acted like a parent to me. He has been here my entire life and now that he's gone, it feels like I just got sent off to college away from my family all over again. When I go back to Texas, I feel like he will be waiting at the front door of my house with his arms wide for a hug. He can't be gone, he's always been there for me.

I bite my lip and pull at the small leather bookmark of the journal.  
Why am I even reading this thing? It's only teenage angst. I bet the next chapter L.M will be complaining about how their friends Becky and Jessica had a birthday party and forgot to invite them.  
I open the book,

January 12th, 2017

Dear World,  
That last entry was quite dark, I apologize.  
You probably want happy L.M back, don't you? Well, I do too. He's taken a short vacation and I don't blame him, it's difficult being happy L.M everyday. World, I don't have to sugar coat everything for you, right? Because you can obviously see through my lies. Here goes nothing.  
I have lived in Florida with my family all of my life. I've never moved anywhere and I've never been so far from them. Ever. It's getting harder each day. Part of me just wants to abandon everything in the city- my job, my school, and all of the hard work it took to get here just to see them. Sure, I get to call and FaceTime them whenever I have time, but I would give anything just to hug them. Whenever I get emotional like this my mamá always tells me "Si esperas, todo va a mejorar". Dios mio, I can't even remember the last time I spoke Spanish. She didn't want me to run away from my problems. Therefore, as her only son, I shall stay strong.  
Also, I miss my mamá's cooking. She makes the best empanadas.

-L.M

I'm embarrassed. All of this time I have been hectoring L.M for being an emotional teen but the truth is- we are in the same boat. I miss my mom. I miss my family. I miss Shiro. Am I just running away from my problems? I think of Shiro. What did he want for me?  
"Stay hard working for me. Don't let the unknown scare you." I take a deep breath.  
L.M is right.  
I look up from the book, taking in my surrounds and sliding my phone out of my pocket,

'Me to Mom: I think I'm going to stay in the city for a bit longer. I have a bit of a project to take on.'


	6. Chapter 6

Things I know about L.M;

-College student, English major (but hates it)  
-Speaks Spanish  
-Lived in Florida  
-He is a he  
-Loves his mom's empanadas (note to self, Google what an empanada actually is)

I set down my coffee, which now cold.  
I've decided to go back to the coffee shop where I had first found the book. I sat in the exact same spot where the book was. A part of me was hoping L.M would merrily walk in and introduce himself as the writer of the book but after an hour of waiting, I knew that simply wouldn't happen. Even a small part of me hoped that Shiro would walk in with Allura around his arm. However, things change.  
I look down at the book. This is all I have to call my own for now.

I look around the cafe, it's very busy for a Wednesday afternoon. The cafe is pretty small, but they decorated it to make it look bigger than it actually is. The floor is made entirely of wood while the walls are an off-white. It's very indie with a modern twist. I silently judge the fact that they have an untouched record player in the corner while all of their music is playing through thousand dollar speakers. The menu board is written in chalk with some doodles of beverages and treats scattered around. Hanging from the ceiling were dozens of lit light bulbs, which were very aesthetically pleasing. The tables and chairs had wooden bases but the legs were black, metal rods. All around the cafe were framed paintings; all were black and white. I figured it was that way just to fit in with the aesthetic.  
Looking around, A question suddenly struck me; Why was L.M here in the first place?

I open the journal,

January 13th, 2017

Dear World,  
You can say goodbye to the old L.M., he's gone.  
Let me introduce you to the new and improved L.M.- well not yet. I haven't created him yet. He's just an idea for now. Let me explain,  
The old L.M doesn't like his past very much. He will do anything possible to get rid of it so that's why I am reinventing him.  
L.M 2.0, the new and improved model.  
There are several things I need to do in able to make this happen, which I will explain over the next week.  
I hope you're proud of me, World. I hope you like this me better than the last.

-L.M

Reinvention? L.M, what are you talking about? I read on,

January 14th, 2017

Dear World,  
Today I cut my hair.  
I can't even remember the last time I had even let someone touch my hair, so of course I got emotional in the barber chair when he started chopping it off. But I needed this. It's the first step to the new me. With every strand he chopped, I felt a memory being swept away. I feel free.  
My hair used to be to my collarbones just because I felt no need to cut it when I could just tie it up. Now, I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself. It's fantastic.  
Tomorrow I'm planning on buying a new wardrobe of clothes with the rest of my college fun money.  
The old L.M won't know what's coming for him.

-L.M

I flip through several more entries, filled with writings of L.M tanning all day, eating less, and spending his day at the gym rather than studying. He was really dedicated to this 'reinvention' thing.  
What is he thinking? Does he honestly think that little changes to his outside will effect whats on the inside? Surely, it will make him happy for a little, but eventually he will want to change again and again and again. What has L.M gotten himself into? What was so bad about the old L.M?  
This isn't the man who I left the airport for. This isn't the man who stopped me from running away. This isn't the L.M. I know.

I look down at my list I had of everything I know about L.M and add one last bullet point.

-Insecure.


	7. Chapter 7

"Keith?" 

I look up from the journal to see she arrived just in time. "Allura, thank you for coming." I get up from the coffee shop stool and give her a hug. She held on for longer than she used to, I'm guessing she really needed this.  
Allura looks different. Before, she was very put together. She followed the latest trends (which I could never understand) and wore bright colors to match whatever pastel she had dyed her hair that week. Her eyes had a sparkle in them and her lips always had a natural smile. She was warm and loving.  
This isn't the Allura I knew. Her wardrobe had changed to black and at first I guessed that she was just experimenting with the latest emo trends, but once I saw her face, I knew that wasn't the case. Her eyes were dull, hardly making any contact with mine as if she was afraid to. Her lips looked as if they had never smiled. It's like I'm looking at a completely different person.  
I bluntly blurted out, "You look different."  
Allura looked me up and down, "You look the same."  
She was right. I haven't changed my clothes in quite awhile- I haven't had the motivation to. I start to ponder the last time I did change, maybe the day before I met Shiro and Allura for coffee?  
Her eyes made contact with mine and she looked away as fast as possible, climbing her way into her stool. I made my way to mine.  
"Was there something you wanted to talk about?" She asked. She looked very fragile, as if a simple mention of Shiro's name could shatter her to a billion pieces.  
I stuttered, "I-uh, yes actually, there is." She picked up her menu, looking through the beverage list and hardly listening to me, "Allura," I spoke, grabbing her attention, "I know this a lot to ask but, I got kicked out of my apartment and I have no place to stay and you're really the only person I have left here so I was wondering if I could maybe-"  
"Yes, Keith." She folded her menu and placed it onto the table, looking directly into my eyes.  
"What?" I asked, exasperated at her sudden response.  
"After everything you did for Shiro..." She fumbled with her thumbs after mentioning his name, "I think it's only right that I help you out until you can stand on your own."  
I smile, holding my mug between my two hands, "Thank you, Allura."

Walking into Shiro's apartment for the first time since he left was hard.  
Although Allura lived alone now, it looked as if Shiro was still here. His shoes were still by the door, his clothes were still in the closet, even his Mac book was left open- it was no longer charged, but still untouched. I walked in and had to hold back the urge to scream out to Shiro because I knew this time I wouldn't get a response. Everything looked the same since I left.  
I swiped my fingers through the walls in the hallways, hoping to touch at least some trace of Shiro. I could never know if I did, but it sure as hell feels good to pretend.   
"You can stay in the guest room." Allura told me, pointing to the bedroom next to hers.  
"Thank you again, Allura."  
She smiled in response, going into her room and closing the door.  
I took a deep breath. The air smelt of Shiro's cologne and a part of me wonders how Allura can live with Shiro surrounding her. I go into my temporary bedroom and close the door. This room used to belong to me before I could afford my dorm and lived with them. These walls were once covered in MCR posters and the floor surrounded with my homemade mix-tapes. Now the room was very minimalistic and simple. It was clean and white with no trace of life in it.  
My body quickly collapses to the bed. I rolled around, rubbing my body against the covers for warmth. I didn't get to enjoy it for long though- I was interrupted by a terrible scent. It smelt like a teenage boy going through puberty.  
Then I realized. When was the last time I showered?

I shuffle into the bathroom attached to the guest room and strip.  
I get a good glimpse of myself in the mirror. I've always been quite skinny and pale, so it was very difficult to tell if I was malnourished or not at this point. Maybe I should digest something other than coffee?  
Curiosity took over me and I pull back my black hair that is already slick with grease from lack of washing. I bunched up the ends of my hair so they were unseen. I didn't suit short hair. I'd like to think L.M didn't suit short hair either and that his entire reinvention thing will get to his head eventually.  
Maybe he will learn.


	8. Chapter 8

Dear World,  
I spent the last of my money on a blue Gucci sweatshirt. Due to it being the last of my money, I have no money left for food until I get paid next week. I guess it will help with this dieting plan I've been procrastinating. It's the diet where you switch out food for beverages and beverages only, maybe you've heard of it? It's supposed to cleanse your body, I guess. I don't know much about it, I just saw it on my Instagram and figured I'd try it because I'm kinda desperate at this point.  
Anyways, the blue Gucci sweatshirt was $325. Three-hundred-and-twenty-five-dollars. That's more than... more than... I'll get back to you on that one. It looked good on the rack and I tried it on and it looked really good on me, then bam! It was in my shopping cart. I just wanted to treat myself! I wasn't thinking right... I kind of regret it, but it is a nice sweatshirt... to wear for the rest of my life. 

-L.M

As I read through L.M's story, I daze out; recalling a memory that happened not so long ago.

"How about this one?"

"There is no way in hell. I am not wearing yellow." I mutter, my eyes slipping to the taller boy's shoes.

"Keith, if you wear black for one more day I will start calling you 'walking funeral'" I chuckle, "I'm not kidding."

"Well maybe I want to be called walking funeral." I grinned, Shiro sighing and turning away from me in disappointment.

"Hot Topic, here we come." A grin spreads across my face as I look to Shiro for approval. He's smiling at me, his eyes shining brightly and lively.

I shook my head to waken me. What just happened? I completely spaced out, but it felt so real. Shiro was there. Shiro, so filled with life, now lifeless. I closed the journal and placed it on my bedside table.

That day, Shiro and I had set out to go shopping for me. He wanted me to go back to school with color, hoping that I'd befriend someone new. He thought my Gothic look was withdrawing people from talking to me. My argument was that if I'm lying through my clothing than they won't like the true me. Shiro knew I was right.  
I want to go back. I want to tell Shiro that I will listen, I will change my clothes for him. I wonder if he'd still be here if I did. Why wasn't I easy on him?  
A shiver runs down my spine and I cover myself with the guest room blankets. I try to keep the flashback in the back of my mind, but the look of Shiro refuses to leave.  
I never appreciated his eyes but the idea of them not being able to see the world anymore hurts. I never appreciated his mind but the idea of it not being able to function anymore hurts. I never appreciated his life but the idea of him no longer being here hurts. It hurts. I hurt.  


My lungs suddenly feel heavy and my throat closed up. Am I... crying?  
I was never the type to cry. It was never my first reaction. I have quite the temper; I usually get angry before I get sad. Now why are there tears in my eyes?  
I curled myself up, holding my knees to my chest.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and can smell Shiro through the sheets. I try to remain silent by covering my breathing with the blankets and sleeps over laying tightly on my lips and the tip of my nose. A rush of anxiety flows into me, coating my throat and lungs in deep water, making it impossible to get by. The room around my disappears and suddenly I'm sinking in a dark hole. Water takes over around me and inside me and with no escape, I allow myself to sink. I rest my eyes sleepily and feel the water rush around my sharp edges. My arms go limp, with no surrounding hope of help.

"Keith?" My eyes flash open, "Keith, honey, no" Allura came rushing to my bed, dropping fresh laundry on the floor on her way in. She scoots next to me, wrapping an arm tightly around me. I cuddled closer to her warmth, tucking my head into her neck. My tears rolled down her skin, sending shivers through her spine, but she didn't seem to mind and huddled me closer. "I know, I know," I look up to see Allura had already started tearing up. She plays with my long hair, "He misses you too. I promise you. But remember what he told you?" I look up, "He wanted you to live on, Keith. Don't let him stop you." 

I sighed, she was right.


End file.
